today, my epiphany
May 25, 2003-8:27 pm
i.ve realised many things the past few days. sometimes you need to know exactly how you feel. so i read my diary. and i am over you. i am so over you that it makes me cry. but in a good way. you see, you were my strength, and my hope. you were a bulwark against suicide, and anything else that i wanted to do to myself. but it wasnt you, it was him. he was my fantasy, and you created him. i didnt know what i wanted until i met you. but you lied to me, and i realised that i wanted the you that you made up. and it took me a while to realise that, i wouldnt ever have that perfect guy, only a guy that was similar, if i tried hard enough. which was why i didnt change my plans this weekend. and this weekend helped me realise that things change. maybe i changed. maybe only you did. but, however it happened, we are not right for eachother, not at all. you are vain and self-centered, and "conscientious" as jen would say, only its not what she meant. maybe youll stop calling, stop emailing and stop trying to talk to me. i hope you realise that when our conversations consist of you saying hey and me saying brb then signing off, it means that youre not everything i wanted.
bad things bring out the worst in people. i feel as if, the past week and especially, weekEND, have been an almost life changing experience. i know who i am, and i know what i want.
stop RIPPING it off
start ripping it DOWN
but before i knew ME, i was suicidal. only, i wasnt going to kill myself. that is like a sign of weakness, or cowardice. i simply, was not afraid anymore. i wouldnt have minded if someone killed me. how could i tell? because i could feel it. i did everything i could think of that was risky or dangerous, and i didnt die, but i knew i could have if the opportunity arose. i sound like an idiot, i know, but everything is hard to explain
sometimes you think you are so articulate and you have the best stories to tell. but then you tell them you can see that you arent articulate or interesting at all. you at least you know. no reason to kid yourself, right?
"have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right?"
...and i realised that im not afraid of dying anymore, i am for sure over him. because he was the one who made me have hope, and a reason. he is NOT MY REASON "youve washed your hands clean of this"