and all of this was all your fault
August 20, 2003-2:20 pm
okay, so everything doesnt work out as planned. i think im okay. last night i wrote too much, i wrote until i cried and my hand hurt like hell. this morning i threw it all away. and i am okay. usually i have trouble throwing anything away. but not today. i came here, opened kazaa and thought "i hate all these fucking songs" and deleted almost everything. and i am okay. i wrote you a letter, but you cant read it. everything i felt when i wrote it is gone, i am just numb and i cant think about anything. i cant remember anything. there is only now, yesterday is gone and tomorrow never comes, so ill just sit here and work on being content with the present. i decided not to let people push me around, and i am going to do whats best for me and only me. i am going to get what i want. i am going to stick up for myself. i am going to be the girl you hate. and i am okay.sometimes, when your not here, i feel like this is too much for me and i wish you would go away so i could go back to being quiet and lazy and content with my misery. but then i see you, and im with you and that feeling goes away and theres nothing i want more then for you to stay forever. i dont know which feeling is stronger, i dont know what to choose.
when you wish for something and you get it but its not what you expected you are heartbroken. when you wish and do everything possible to prevent it from going wrong, your safe from the heartbreak. i dont know why i couldnt make this make sense, but i really dont care.
all i know is that im not everything you deserve and your not everything i deserve.