remember to let her under your skin
September 20, 2003-11:27 pm
as for the other thing, about "secrets we made a long time ago that we cant break", well, this is the one that makes me kind of sick to think about. i remember a long time ago we both said we'd never be the one to end this relationship, hell, we bet on it. ive been thinking about that alot lately, wondering if you still feel like youll never end this. especially with some of the shit i pull (see above paragraph). maybe, subconsciously, im trying to prove you wrong, trying to prove that no one can love me, i dont deserve that. but i also know that you do love me, and sometimes i take that for granted. what im trying to say is, im afraid your also in this relationship to prove me wrong, waiting for the day when i say its over. im afraid you dont want to give me the satisfaction of knowing im right about all this, how your too good for me and you deserve more than i do. i know this is crazy, but i have alot of time to myself to sit and think. you know, sitting on my doorstep with you beside me knowing deep down that this will never last, it was the hardest thing in the world, to not break down and cry in your arms. but im not very pretty when i cry.
do you see now why i couldnt say this to you? theres not enough time, and i dont think i could bear to look you in the face and say all this. theres always the chance that i could hurt you, and at least this way i cant be certain youll read this, at least, not tonight. so as long as theres the chance of this never reaching your eyes (or ears) then theres no reason for me to be sad tonight. ill still have you in the morning, until you know everything and decide im a little to insane for you. i dont know.
i know that this isnt fair, i know you write alot more than i do and i know you wish i would write more, but i honestly dont feel things in words. when im happy, i just feel it physically, i can feel my heart beating and the world around me changes and i can see beauty and peace and i appreciate how the breeze makes my hair flutter around me. (hey look, i found some words for it). the problem with writing regularily, when im not angry or sad, is that though i can see the words in my head, i cant get them out on here. looking at the blank screen intimidates me, the blank canvas of this machine scares me into silence. the fact that im surrounded by things that i hate doesnt help. so im sorry, thats why i cant write more than i already do.
i think ive written too much. finally!