mark these words
April 25, 2004-12:41 am
i guess tonight i was just looking for a fight, needing revenge on anyone who wasnt feeling quite as bad as me, i guess next time i should look back on tonight and remember how utterly shitty it is to fight with him, because my cheeks are burning from the salt, and ive never wanted to be in bed sleeping more than i want to right now. but fuck, sometimes i just hate her for being so politically correct about everything, like your the god damn smartest person ever and "theres a solution to every problem!" congratulations heres your gold fucking star and i hope you fall off a cliff. this isnt helping anything and my mind isnt either because i was fucking rude and i bet you didnt appreciate it (hey, it could always be passed off as a joke) and i hate this, i hate that i know how you feel, i hate how we fight and then talk through it, when we should be turning to other people as a shoulder to cry on to sort this out and then try again tomorrow, but who else do we have? (who else do i have, really, because youve got lots of people). and fuck, i hope so too because i dont remember what things were like before this, i dont remember what it was like to not have a care in the world, i wish i could lay in my bed and dream of all that will be but, honestly, i want to be happy today and hope just doesnt cut it anymore (hope, i love you hope, the bed has piss and semen all over it and my shoes are still on but i love you, hope)
remember those times. those times when we were happy because we couldnt think straight, when drugs and alcohol made the problems go away, oh how i wish i was in bed with her again, when the only important thing in the world was to keep my shoes on and the thought of being happy for you, and maybe thats all we need to make it better, maybe i just need one more night in that bed with hope.
this is not a metaphor.
and did i tell you all the times i lied, all the times i tried to hurt you so bad, all the times i wanted you to be the lowest you could get just so i could feel that much higher, all the times i stood in the crowd just aching for you to fail, and they didnt mean anything, were still in the same place and youve got to wonder what we did, how much of it was for nothing, how much of it even made a difference. i bet that butterfly didnt change my life completely, i bet that phone call home didnt make a difference, i dont even know those people anymore. im hanging on to one thread of my past and shes slipping too, but i dont even know if im holding on.
what the hell am i talking about?
maybe we will end up like them (jack and sally) the pathos and the power, and i dont know if we will get through this hun, neither of us are strong tonight, or any other for that matter, and im not thinking clearly and she says you arent either, but im only worried about you, im only hoping for your happiness (but this is only one small moment) dont go jumping to conclusions or throwing big words at me (hypocrite...hypocrite..) and for ONCE i would like a straight answer, none of this "i guess...sure..." because i cant base my love on guesses, and wait, holy fuck did that just happen
and maybe you are right. but tomorrow ill still be in love.