back to reality
November 05, 2004-10:19 pm
i had so many plans for you. so many times i wanted nothing more than to have you, to love you as you should be loved (if you were the person i made you out to be) and at the same time all i wanted was the past or the future or anything but this moment, anything but lying in the arms of a stranger fantasising about how he could be everything i used to have, everything i threw away the day i made the worst mistake of my life. laying there knowing nothing would ever be the same, and at the same time knowing that nothing would ever change. knowing that ill have you forever and knowing that ive lost you for good this time. i know that you think about me, but you never think about me. and when we talk we dont really talk, we do the stupid little thing i hate everything means nothing because i could have said it all to myself, but it means everything because of you, and its like when they just sit and waste money on the phone bills but dont say a word, because no words could help this situation, and im convinced that ill never see you again and ill never get to kiss you or touch you or know your there for me like i need you to be, ill never get to say good morning after a long night, ill never have any passionate nights when theres nothing but you and i and the knowledge that time is of no importance. and i regret so much, i regret letting this happen and letting it fall apart and i regret tonight, i regret letting you do anything you wanted and not just going home right away, i regret telling you how i felt and i regret that night where i was too drunk to hear her telling me to go home. and i fucking hate all the times you led me on, all the times you said "i really like you" and when you made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, just to get me in bed, and i hate how it worked, how i was so fucking vulnerable and you took advantage of that, and im so proud of myself for not doing what i wanted, for letting my mind and heart control my body, im so proud of the fact that i wasnt just another easy lay for you, how i told you youd have to work for it. and im so disappointed that its too much work and youd rather just not try. and at the same time i sit and tell myself that everyone needs someone just like i do, and that i could be that someone for anyone, because i know that im not good enough for anyone. and i know that the only time i was ever worth anything was when you loved me. and all those times when this was all there was, i cant believe i wasnt killing myself for being so lucky, and i cant believe i didnt thank god every second that i had you, and i cant believe i was the one to let this all go.and i just cant believe anything thats happened lately.
suicide - October 13, 2016
i wish i was dead - October 13, 2016
i could have written more, but you dont know what to listen for - October 12, 2016
ctrl+heartbeat - October 11, 2016
i dont even care - October 08, 2016
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