you have got to be fucking kidding me
November 13, 2003-4:08 pm
where to start... (you knew this was coming) i am so fucking mad i cant even think. when you said "i said some mean things about you" i thought you meant little shallow things like "youre ugly" or "i hate you" but you definately amazed me with the complexity of your insults. theyre hidden everywhere and each time i uncover a new one its like another opportunity for you to rip open my heart. did it ever occur to you that MAYBE you were fucking WRONG? maybe he loved me for me, that i didnt manipulate or play cruel games on him and i didnt force him into this. maybe he doesnt want out more than anything, maybe your not the one he wants to be with. maybe thats all true, who knows? only him. its not fucking up to you to decide what he wants. you made things up, you saw things that werent there. you saw what you wanted to see in order to continue believing that you were perfect for eachother. well you know what, i dont think you are.
im getting pretty digusted at this person ive become. who ever knew how hard it was to hold back tears in gym class, its so much harder to laugh when you want to throw up and cry and just fucking destroy anything. i think, inside, im becoming rotten, black, barren. if i continue like this im going to end up like you, a shell. but then again whats wrong with that? at leats i wont feel this bad when people hurt me. ill be immune to everything, and i wont need anyone. i will be content in my silence and ill no longer have this urge to show someone/anyone who i am.
on the bus, i had to stop reading. who wants to cry near martin c.? not me. i wish i had my journal with me, i need to write so badly. instead ill hold it in again, just like i did last night. i dont regret giving it to you, but i do regret some of the things i wrote. unfortunately, i have a bit of an urge to hurt you the same way. after all, i felt the same things about you (no need to list them) but i kept them inside, never to be seen by you, or anyone else. they never made it past my thoughts, they never made it onto paper.
i feel bad about jake though. because according to you, its my fault he was empty, broken, etc (your words), it was my fault that hes so hesitant to love, its my fault whenever hes sad or angry and only you could stop that. if this is true, if im blind to the pain i caused him, then i am truly sorry jake. i dont believe that any of that was my fault, if i remember correctly, you were like that before i came around. and if you ever felt pressured into being with me or staying with me, im sorry for that too. i think you always knew you could do what you wanted but turns out i could be wrong.
i know this jealously between me and ali is killing you, and i was trying the best i could this past week or so to not feel anything competitive with her. but its flared up again, and i cant help but be scared a little. after all, the way she writes, it sounds like she would do anything if youd only replace me with her (oh wait, those are her exact words!). so theres my only concern.
maybe i should stop, maybe im only making things worse. i warned you not to read it though, so dont blame me.