self doubt and body image issues 1 2 3
January 22, 2013-12:12 am
i hate making excuses but this is one: he was very critical of me, sometimes downright mean. he would tell me i was beautiful, but then he would hint, or come right out and tell me that i wasn't good enough as is. now, all i see are all the faults he saw. my hair is dull, dry, boring. my skin tone is uneven, i get blemishes. my nails are short, unpolished, plain. my thighs, hips, butt are too big. my stomach has a stubborn paunch. my skin is too white, pasty, veiny. my heels are dry and scratchy. i sit hunched over, i hold my shoulders too high. my skin is dry in the winter. when i am nervous, i sweat a lot. when i am embarrassed or cry, my face gets very red and blotchy. sometimes i dont shave my armpits. ive always known all of this, i never cared.
i used to think i was attractive - not perfect maybe, but nice, pretty, sweet, happy. i used to be confident - i had an aura. i used to attract people not because i was beautiful, i wasnt really, but because i didnt care, and i was happy and thats whats attractive. you spent almost a year telling me you could do better. you cant. youre a fucking mess. the only thing you have going for you is looks, and those are falling apart too now. so why did i listen to you? why am i still listening to you? i know that this is just what being a person is - imperfections are normal, everyone is like this. for some reason i know that, but i dont believe it. i wish i believed in myself
and here is someone now who likes me, who thinks all the things i used to think about myself and
im so fucking scared that he will see all the flaws you saw
i dont think i am good enough for anyone, now. fuck you for that.